Right in Front of my Eyes?
Well just ended my first week of university life and man it's scary. Although it's still really early in the term I can sense an exceptionally heavy and draining work load ahead of me. I really cant afford to mess up my time in university, this is my last chance to make something out of my almost 20 years of education.
A buddy of mine pointed out something very interesting over dinner a couple of days back. When your choices are plentiful you tend to become picky and very very hard to satisfy. You'd want to try everything on the table but yet never content with just one. Well I wonder if this is this true?
Are we naturally programmed to be such ungrateful idiots that although we may have the best right in front of our eyes we can never be really happy and satisfied?
I just hope I am not making this mistake....
I Am Still Alive
It's been awhile since I have written anything here and there are a couple of reasons for that. Firstly I haven't been in the 'blogging' mood for awhile and secondly and more importantly I have received or actually heard many unpleasant comments about my blog. Many have said that I write here just to impress others. Well I write what I feel and what I think about. I am not here to impress anyone, I am here to express my opinions and to provide myself a means of coherently expressing my feelings. If you do not like what I write please don't bother reading.
I am not exactly sure why but lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about relationships. I have come to the conclusion that a relationship is a very risky affair. Getting seriously involved in a relationship means loosing total control over ones life path. You are now not two individuals walking through lives meandering course but rather one couple, one united soul. The lack of control scares me. No longer will my mistakes be of my own doing but rather it could be the work of my better half. So should we rush into relationships because of a mutual attraction?
I guess if you asked me this a few years back I would have said yes off course but I think at 21 I am mature enough to realize that a mutual attraction is not going to lead to a fulfilling and lasting relationship. I have learnt from a close friend that taking ones time to get to know the person is best. Many couples these days simply rush into a relationship cause they are scared that if they don't move in fast enough they will loose the person. One thing I have learnt from my dad is that if something is meant to be its meant to be. There is no need to fear, but rather take the mutual attraction as an opportunity to get to know each other better and decide if there is a real possibility for a holistic and happy relationship.
Relationships are such fragile things, hearts are broken easy so if you don't have mine you can never break it. A motto to live life by? I hope someone will prove me wrong someday :).
Maturity in Youth
Sorry guys it's been awhile since I've updated my blog. Well firstly I haven't been particularly inspired to write about anything lately and I spent the good part of a week recovering from my birthday hangover. Thanks to all you guys who made the effort to come down and thanks for the lovely presents. A special thanks to sim, dan and jeremy for looking after drunk me, to lumpy for doing all the running around, to van for supporting me on the dance floor and well to everyone else who helped look after me, love you'll loads.
I wonder how mature or at least socially developed we are to deal with the problems of the less fortunate in our midst. Singapore is always one of the first nation's to provide international aid when disaster strikes elsewhere yet we do not have a comprehensive system to deal with the mentally and physically challenged in our own country.
It is so often you find the handicapped, standing at street corners, selling tissue papers and what not. It's a very sad sight, these people with their handicap's literally begging to make ends meet. This should never be the case. Our society with all its wealth and financial resources should provide a means of social support for these people. If they have no family to support them and have no money of their own the government should absorb them into their various ministries and provide them with meaningful jobs to make a decent days wages. If this is not feasible, private companies should be given incentives by the government to employ the handicapped. Some private organizations are practicing this now, but its prevalence I feel is way too low.
Another disturbing sight these days is to see people with mental handicaps plying the streets lost. So often we see the old aunt walking under the block spouting nonsense at anyone who passes, or the young lady carrying a baby doll in her arms as though it were her child. We rarely give them a second look and just label them as 'siao' and carry on with our day. Sometimes we even shun them and worse still point and mock them. This is the behavior of animals and not a cultured and gracious society, which we claim to be. These people have real mental problems and need treatment, why a country as rich and as small as ours does not have an effective system to identify them and provide the necessary treatment I don't understand.
It is weird to hear the government emphasis so much on how our society should become more cultured, appreciating the arts and the finer things in life, and yet we cant treat the less fortunate in our midst with respect and dignity. Yes it isn't easy to deal with these people it takes a lot of time and patience to talk to them but that isn't an excuses for being rude and disrespectful. Are we all so obessed with rushing and making money that we've lost all sense of humanity and compassion? I know I am generalizing a lot in this article as there are many people out there, some very successful, who are willing to sacrifice their time to help the less fortunate. Those who know me well enough will understand why I write this with so much passion, at the end I hope not to see Singapore become a global economic powerhouse but a souless and loveless nation.
It has taken me awhile to publish this article and I'm glad I waited. I was totally dumbfounded when I found out what you do. You will never realize how much my opinion of you has changed. What you do really takes a lot out of a person and you are truly beautiful to do it. :)
Reflections
Dark stormy nights with starless skies make me sad.
I just looked up at the sky and it was black, pitch black not a single star in sight. I never felt so alone before. Here I am, one small boy looking up at the heavens and it was empty. I looked all around me and all I saw was darkness, emptiness, loneliness.
The enormity of the day hit me like a brick wall. I am standing on the threshold of manhood, soon in a matter of hours I will be a man, no more a boy.
Somehow though I feel the boy in me died a long time ago. I killed him off, I killed the idealistic boy who so believed in the goodness of people, who believed in the sacredness of love, who sincerely believed that the truth would always prevail, that good always triumphed over evil. Yes many of these beliefs are idealistic and at times impractical but this was me, it defined me. Now I have no idea who I am anymore.
I have for the last couple tried to fill the mould everyone created for me, the rich kid, the playboy, the party animal and whatever so. But then am I really this person or have I forced myself to fit this mould cause it was the 'cool' thing to do? And have I in the process loss my identity, or is this really who I am?
I guess besides the party, turning 21 is a time of self reflection. I hope I can somehow sort out my life and find the real me soon. Luckily I have a lot of time the next couple of months, before uni, to think reflect and pray. Pray yes that is very important, somehow in the last couple of years I have been so caught up in being popular, in being the 'cool', 'happening' one, I have the neglected the most important person in my life, God.
I also need to start spending more quality time with my family. I have taken their love and kindness for granted, I know that no matter how big a jerk I am they would never abandon me, unlike friends. I am really sorry to them especially my mum for the way I have been acting lately, I have neglected the people who truly love me unconditionally.
Well looks like turning 21 is going to be an interesting time in my life to say the least.
Oh but before I forget I'd like to thank all you guys, for making the effort to come down on Wed, it really means a lot to me. A friend told me that I wouldn't miss her if she didn't come, but nope, each and everyone one of you guys hold a special place in my heart and I'd like to share this day with you'll.
ORD LOH!
The time is almost here. The end is upon me. The chapter will be closed and a new one opened. I am really happy that I am done with my army, for now at least. I finally have the time to do the stuff I wanted to, and no that isn't clubbing excessively cause I am honestly bored of that. Well but the surprising thing is that underneath the happiness I actually feel kinda sad leaving. There are many things I am going to miss about the army but nothing more than the people I have meet there.
I guess I have been sheltered through out my school life. I went to reputable schools and although there were the occasional weirdos I generally mixed with like minded people. People who had life paths similar to mine, walking the same roads, with roughly the same goals.
In the army I have meet people who have been in and out of jail for all sorts of crimes and surprisingly they aren't the monsters that society makes them out to be. Yes they have done stuff which are wrong and criminal, well some of them are seriously screwed up in the mind, but the majority of them committed their crimes in a moment of pure stupidity and some out of desperate need. If given a chance they are actually nice people, good friends who are filled with a lot of remorse and regret for their past. If I was still in school I probably would never be given the chance to meet such people cause we are brainwashed by teachers, parents and many others that these people are monsters that should be avoided at all cost. I guess now thanks to the army I would be more willing to give these people a second chance, a chance to prove they have changed for the better.
Basically I think the army has forced me to interact with an varied mix of characters. Previously I could choose my friends, choose my cliques. In the army I have had learn to work and cooperate with others, even those I normally wouldn't hang out with. I guess I have changed a lot in the army I have matured for sure, but on some levels I think I have become a more cynical person.
I think what I am trying to say is that we tend to judge people too soon. We tend to form an opinion of someone even before we meet them, based on what others have to say. When we hear someone is an ex convict we immediately think of him as a bad person and would treat him as such. This I feel is very very unfair. Everyone deserves a fair chance to prove themselves. I myself am guilty many times of forming opinions of people I don't even know but I hope I can change now that I realize my mistakes.
Love
'There's no greater love than this, that a man should give his life for a friend'
It is so common these days to hear couples who have been together a matter of days to claim to deeply love each other. Is this true love I wonder? I personally have been in my fair share of relationships and can honestly say that I probably have never really been in love or at least realized it when I was with her. So then I wonder what really is love? The quote above is the ideal, a Christ like unconditional love we can all probably strive towards but very unlikely to achieve.
Love ask not, but gives unconditionally. It is so hard in reality to practice this. When we love someone we raise them up on a pedestal and so our expectations of them are raised. When someone we love behaves out of character and hurts you, your love for that person is replaced by fustration and disappointment. Well this is only human right? How can we continue to love someone who shows little or no desire to reciprocate our love? Maybe it is human behavior to react as such but it isn't the ideal.
I know I myself am guilty of this many times. When someone betrays me I just stop caring for that person totally and at times, I try to find ways to get back at them. It's time I change, it's time I learn to turn the other cheek. The world as it is, is a cold place and I shouldn't be the one making it any worse. Maybe by loving those who hurt me they will see the goodness in my intentions and change. I know this isn't going to be easy to do and I pray dear God for the strength.
When you choose to love someone aren't you suppose to accept them for the person that they are. Love their beauty but also accept their shortcomings, love the person they are and not the person you want them to be.
Refresh?
A close buddy asked me if I'd the chance to life my live all over again would I do things differently.
There have been so many special, happy and even magical moments in my life that I would give up a lot to experience again but yet there have been many instances of unbelievable pain and heartache. So if given the chance would I not make the same mistakes again, not let myself be hurt and never hurt like I have?
After talking to my buddy I spent sometime reminiscing and realized that I have made some very, very stupid and immature decisions in my life. I have hurt people very dear to me, ruined fantastic relationships and turned friendships sour. But would I change it?
All these actions caused not just myself but others an immense amount of pain, yet somehow I feel I am better off because of them. I see it along the lines of learning things the hard way. I know that because of what I have done and it consequences I would never ever repeat them. The pain has somehow been etched onto my heart and I will never want to feel it again or curse another with it.
I know I am still going to mistakes. I am going to get hurt and I am going to hurt but I hope that I would never repeat the mistakes of my past.
As I approach my 21st I hope I have matured enough to learn from my past and never hurt others like I have. And to those I have hurt, I can only offer you my humblest and most sincere apology and hope you'd forgive me someday.
So bro, no I would not do things differently. I wish there was an easier way to go about it cause I would never want to feel such pain or be the cause of it, but there is no other way for me to have learned.
